it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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