I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
