remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
