she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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