i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you win again, gameday.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
