yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
