I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
not ubering you a puppy
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
