i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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