I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
