I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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