Just fell off a train. Bad.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
