I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
