We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
