I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I will be naked everywhere
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
