My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
