There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
