White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
