I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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