New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You dont lie about slip and slides
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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