Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
