finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
