At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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