I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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