i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
