Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
