wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
