I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
