you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
