Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
