I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
