Moan for me like Helen Keller
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
