I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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