My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
