I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
