i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Ladies don't puke and tell
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize