I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
