I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
