Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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