It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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