Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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