I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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