Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
