Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
