farters have to be the big spoon...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
