I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
