Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die