Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
