I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.