I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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