why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
