When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I can't turn off my feet"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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