i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
