I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
