there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
