i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
one might say we're banned from that church
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That accounts for only three of the penises
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
