Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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