I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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