You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
