i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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